Category Archives: fear

Fear (Part 3)

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<OTHER PEOPLES STUFF>

From the group of assignments two weeks ago, I have to agree that Brian’s assignment is the one that I felt was closest to the way that I felt (or used to feel) about my fears and anxieties. Very few of the other projects quite got me the way that one did. There were a few that made me uncomfortable and a few that I thought were sad, but not frightening but in the end after I left the class I cleared my mind of just about everything so I wouldn’t overthink it. I don’t like to dwell on things and since I tend to be a really empathetic person I found myself trying really hard to not think about it.

From the group of assignments last week, I was really affected by Colby’s talk, but it wasn’t really about fear so much as just feeling a since of helplessness that made me uncomfortable (it’s none of my business) and yet wanting to help also (I would take the responsibility of making it my business if I had to). The other one that really got me was Monica’s and it’s not just because of her “mental breakdown”- I really identified with her. I mean, that’s exactly how I felt in high school and when I started college, except that I was a loser and decided that I didn’t care enough about my writing to finish it, let alone show it off to people. And now I have a horrible habit of not doing things when I think people won’t like them–or worse, when I convince myself that it’ll be a waste of my time to try.

In retrospect, it’s not that other people’s assignments didn’t effect me at all, it’s just that these rung-out as being the ones to catch my attention the most, probably because I identified with them the best- or because the subject matter and presentation were so powerful. The other projects sort of blend into groups of “this is my phobia” or “here’s a project that sort of abstractly demonstrates my fear, maybe”. Most of them either made me feel ill or made me laugh for some reason. Like I said, I’m an empathetic person so whatever most of the room was feeling I pretty much reflected that at the time.

Fear (part 2)

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<INSERT CLASS RESPONSE THING HERE>

Reflection: FB chat with friend

>Are you still going downtown?

Umm.. I don’t know now. haha

>Well, ’cause I was going to go to Circle Centre and buy PKMN White at gamestop…
and, well, I just did a big presentation about fear and anxiety and I’m kinda shaky
I can treat you to dinner-ish stuff

I don’t think I am going downtown dear. I am really sorry.

>Alright, it’s OK. X3
Enjoy your evening!

Good luck getting your game

>Ah, that’s no big deal, I just wanted company. XD

Sorry I let you down!

>You didn’t! Don’t worry!
>I was just trying to figure out if anyone was already going to be in the area so I could meet up or whatever

Ah.
I see

>Traveling downtown makes me a little nervous and well…I’m already nervous!
>It’s fine, I’ll do it another day. It’s not like the game is getting any more expensive. XD
>It’s alright, it’s really just a right-now kinda’ thing
>anyway, chatting with you is helping a little, thanks

You are welcome!
How did your presentation go?

>It went just fine, it’s just that the assignment was on fear and we had to do an experiment about it so I waited to go last so my anxiety would build up so I could show people what it’s like to really freak out over nothing
lol

Ah! That was quite cleaver of you!

>It was really crazy though
>I wasn’t really that nervous, so I ate a lot of sugar and drank a lot of caffeine beforehand and that really amplified it (along with hearing other people’s presentations too)

Again, cleaver!!

>most of the people seemed pretty unaffected by it and obviously just wanted to go home
but there were a few people who really understood what I meant
>I didn’t get much of a discussion though
>I just babbled and laughed for about 25 minutes straight

haha Nice!

>lol
>do you mind if I use bits of this convo in my write-up for the presentation?

I don’t mind at all.

>Sweet.
>’Cause I pretty much just summed up the assignment, haha

Fail.

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I didn’t get a chance to finish my experiment for the Fear assignment, which was going to be on my biggest fear (outside of my medically diagnosed anxiety):

The fear of failing to meet what I believe in my heart to be every person’s highest expectations of me.

Also known as:

I’m not afraid to fail, only afraid of what people will think of me if I do.

I hate disappointing people. I think that seeing the disappointment in someone’s face is the most painful thing on the planet. I cannot even go into great enough detail the things that I do on a daily basis so that no one misunderstands anything about me and therefore can never be disappointed in my actions.

Now, obviously this is deep stuff- I mean really, greatest fear of all time and it took me a long time to sum it up with so few words. So it’s hard for me to really, really get into all the psychobabble behind it and blah blah blah, so let me skip to the point:

Why I don’t have an experiment to present–

2amMy toilet floods. Not just a little bit, not just onto the floor around the toilet, but the whole bathroom and into the kitchen below. I had to call in an RA and her supervisor to shut off the water to the whole of the upstairs because it would not stop. It damaged the bathroom floor, kitchen ceiling and a bunch of food. It flooded the heating vents upstairs and the stove downstairs and the water filled our kitchen ceiling light and caused it to rip right through the tiled ceiling and hang there by some wires.

Did I mention that this was the toilet? And you can imagine why I flushed it right? Alright, enough of that.

2:30am- We’re given another place to stay. This isn’t the first time my roommates have had to evacuate our place, but it’s the first time we’ve had to shut the water off. My two roommates opted to stay sleeping in our townhome, but I personally dislike peeing outside, so I opted to stay in the show-apartment in Orvis house because hell if I was going to go without a toilet.

2:45am- I can’t find anything. I have work in less than five hours, so I need to grab my work shirt, badge and a change of clothes. I can’t find any of these things and myself and the RA are rushing around the room searching for things while I babble on nervously about how crappy our townhome has been and why I might get fired if I show up to work the next day out of uniform. I find the uniform, grab my bedsheets and bag and follow the RA out.

3am- I move to the temporary apartment. It’s the place in Orvis that they take you to see when they want to get you to move on-campus and pay out the ass for housing. It’s really nice and full of fake stuff. I opt to sleep on the couch, since I’m only getting 4 hours of sleep anyway. I go to the bathroom (No toilet paper…) and go to bed.

7am I wake up for work. My shift starts at 8 and my plan is to get dressed, grab my bedding, run back to my place, drop it off, grab breakfast and run to work.

7:10am- I can’t find my gnikcuf uniform. I search the whole apartment even though I only slept on the couch. I keep telling myself out loud that I’m not going crazy, that I’m just having a bad day. I punch myself in the head to make sure I’m awake (and I am). I say, “fukkitall!” and leave the apartment with my bedding and bag. I must have forgotten to grab the damn things after all.

7:15am- I get back to the townhome: no uniform. I search the whole townhome for the damn thing and ask my roommates and call the RA I spoke to before to ask if she remembered if I had them (she didn’t) and finally I say “fukkitall” again and head downstairs to grab my breakfast drink. The kitchen smells like stale…well, you can guess.

7:25am- I retrace my steps from the trip over there with the RA. Half-way down the sidewalk I find my shirts bunched up on the cold ground, damp and smelling faintly of…well, Indianapolis. There’s no badge with the shirts. I begin to ponder why I didn’t just retrace my steps on the way back instead of taking the shortcut back to the townhome like I did. Then I remembered that I’ve had 4.5 hours of sleep and I didn’t give a damn. I hop a shuttle to the campus center.

7:40am- I call my supervisor to explain why I have no uniform, badge or key. I start off with “Hi, I’ve had a really bad morning, but the good news is that I am actually coming into work!” My awesome supervisor sympathizes with me and says it’s no big deal and that another supervisor can come by and open the doors for me and so-on-and-so-forth.

8am- I am at work. The end. But not really, because I have this really crappy idea that will have to do for now…

My experiment about fear–

Holy crap guys, I am right here typing reasons why I don’t have an experiment without telling you what the experiment was.

Well, the experiment was going to be about a meeting I was supposed to have with the Vice President of IT (that’s my boss’s boss’s boss) and how I was terrified that I was going to say or do something to not only get me fired but shame and embarrass my coworkers. It’s something I have been stressed over for the past week and it’s been driving me mad.

But that meeting turned out to not be today.

So instead I get to be nervous about having nothing to present at all except a frustrating story about why I have nothing to present.

This, in itself is making me nervous. Can you guess why? That’s right, I’m afraid of disappointing Beth (I don’t care about anyone else’s opinion, think of me what you will- you’re not grading me anyway). Why am I afraid of disappointing her? Well, being a person with medical anxiety I really had a lot to work with on this one. “Fear” was such a huge topic and while I picked a fear and a situation that I could use to demonstrate to myself why I was fearful, I didn’t get to do a thing with it.

And why? The underlying reasons are somewhat of a mystery to me. If it was something that I was so worried about, why didn’t I plan better for it? Didn’t I plan for it? It was my mistake writing the meeting down incorrectly, but that’s a normal mistake. Would I have done better if not for the disasters of this morning? I would like to think so. I would honestly like to think that I could have pulled something out of my creative little brain that would have been the perfect piece of B.S. to present instead of my failure. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I am so damn tired and so damn fed up with everything right now that in all honesty I couldn’t care less.

I didn’t have to go to the meeting, I didn’t get in trouble at work, I didn’t lose my uniform, I didn’t go without breakfast, I wasn’t late to work, I don’t plan to skip class and hopefully when I get home I’ll be able to get to my microwave and use my toilet again.

Fear and anxiety can suck it- I AM TIRED.